Last night my partner and I had a really amazing talk about things he is processing and I was able to listen and hold the space for him. I really do cherish the way he and I are able to communicate. Relationships kick up so many of our fears, our insecurities, and our lack of faith and trust in the greater plan unfolding. We go from being single, to suddenly being confronted with thoughts and beliefs we didn’t even know we had! THIS is why I feel so blessed to have a partner who is willing to talk to me, listen to me, and work through his own “stuff” so I can work through my own “stuff.”
I was on the verge of running away from him for the first month or so, but as he continued to hear me, and be open and honest with me, and to hold the space for me to be vulnerable and afraid, I began to open up more. I began to see with my heart, and not my mind, and we began to connect on a deeper level every time I turned to him with my worries, questions, and doubts.
I was use to connection feeling like something instantaneous.
I thought I had to feel an instant spark or “I just wasn’t that into him.” A dear friend and mentor of mine used to tell me, “Erin, REAL connection and attraction is something that happens over time, when you see how someone shows up for you over and over again,” Well, now I totally understand what she was talking about!
Instant connection and attraction definitely DOES happen, and I’ve personally fallen down that rabbit hole a few times, BUT, the kind of connection two people need in order to share a sacred partnership, is something that takes time to develop and to find out if it’s even a possibility. Andrew and I DID have a connection and a mutual attraction straight away, but it was different from the type I was used to. It was more calm and interesting, and enough to make us want to find out more…and more…and more about each other. As we continued to follow it through, the connection became something REAL, something deeper, and a place where he and I can reveal the truth about who we REALLY are 😉
In relationships many people tend to get lost. They play the future game, or the blame game and both sides actually believe the other one is responsible for their happiness and well-being. More often than not, they are already living 2, 5, or even 10 years ahead of the day they are in, and instead of being present with the feelings they have in the moment, they are trying to deal with feelings that are coming from that which hasn’t happened yet, and may never happen. (And just FYI, I too have done ALL of these things in the past.)
I absolutely believe that a beautiful partnership is meant to serve each person as a Divine support system, and a safe space where each person can face into their limiting beliefs, fears of intimacy and commitment, worries and doubts about life’s many twists and turns, and together come through it even stronger. I do not however, believe it is meant for the happiness of each person in it to depend upon.
There is no human on the planet that has the power to “make” us happy.
THAT is an inside job. There may be special moments within the context of the relationship, that trigger deep happiness, but if two people are unhappy or even one person is unhappy, there is nothing the other person can do to change that.
I have been lucky enough to find someone who also understands this, so we have entered what I call, a “Conscious Relationship.” In a conscious relationship, both people are aware that the quality of their connection and happiness together relies upon their ability and willingness to maintain a sense of connectedness within themselves. They know that as individuals, they must continue to check in with themselves, and to work through the stuff that is being triggered in them in order to find their happy place that is not dependent on anything outside of themselves.
Yes, this is always a work in progress, but as both people do their own work, they are able to show up in the relationship with more clarity around what they need to work through as an individual and what needs to be worked through as a couple. Instead of one person blaming the other for making them feel jealous and insecure, the person feeling that way can begin to process those feelings of jealousy and insecurity coming up for them and really take a look at what they are being shown about their own beliefs and inability to let go of the past experiences that are shaping their current perception.
THIS ISN’T THAT.
I love this saying and repeat it often because I almost ended things with Andrew about 10 different times in the beginning because my old ideas, experiences, and patterns were clouding my ability to see what was standing right in front of me. In the past I just thought certain feelings meant I wasn’t happy and therefore needed to end things. HOWEVER, I was able to look back and see a pattern in my life regarding relationships and this time I was open to looking at things differently. I was willing to explore myself more deeply because I had a hunch that my impulses to “run” were coming from some deeper feelings I had never really confronted or resolved. As I did this, my whole world expanded and my heart began to open in the places it had been shut down for so long.
My life coach use to say to me: “The heart wants what the heart wants, but if we are disconnected from the heart, we cannot see what it wants, even when it’s standing right in front of us. So instead, we get caught up in what the mind wants and only see that, which will never work or be able to nurture us in the same way. See with your heart Erin, and you may finally be open to someone who you were unable to see before.”
After my life coach said this to me a couple of years ago, I began to make a conscious effort to ask my heart what it wanted. I began to ask for guidance and assistance, so that I could begin to see people from my heart space rather than from my mind. It has helped me so much and has definitely been a profound journey ever since I began to do this. I highly recommend! 😉
I really do believe that relationships have the potential to facilitate deep healing. When two people come together with consciousness, the relationship can offer them the opportunity to awaken into more of who they really are, to shed the superficial layers of ego, fear, and insecurity, and to experience connection and oneness in a much deeper way.
Whether you stay with someone for a short time or for this entire lifetime, it can be equally transformational. Every relationship I have had, whether short lived or several years long, have made me into the woman I am today and I wouldn’t change any of it. Each one of those guys hold a special place in my heart because of what I learned as a result of our time together, even if it ended painfully. Some of the most powerful healing experiences I have had came as a result of some of the shortest amounts of time with someone.
Andrew and I don’t go looking too far ahead, and if we begin to, we take some space, we continue to breathe, and we pull ourselves back into the moment and into the day we are in. We can’t possibly know where our relationship is heading, and to be honest I don’t need to know or want to know right now. I trust that whatever form it takes is exactly what we both need. If things ended next month, we married for 50 years, or we do something in between, doesn’t matter. All that matters is how willing we are to explore the opportunities our current partnership brings to our healing and development as beings today.
More will always be revealed 😉
So, what’s going on with you? I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences. Please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org to share your story, or leave your comments here on the blog!
Here’s to living your truth, seeing with your heart, and loving who you are! Thank you for being YOU!
Do want to live your life to the fullest? If you’re ready to experience more inner peace in your soul, purpose in your life, joy in your heart, overall better health and well-being in your body, and you are serious about investing in yourself, then perhaps you are ready to work with a coach!:-)! If this is YOU, please send an email to email@example.com. The E.L.M. Personal Growth Mentoring Program is an exciting, mind and heart opening, highly effective way to release your mental, physical, and emotional weight so you can finally manifest your dreams. It’s an investment in your health and happiness. Serious inquiries only.