Inner Integrity seems to be a common theme, threading through the fabric of my life lately. This subject was the content of our day 11 teachings in India, and ever since that day, I have been sorting through my insides, on a journey of uncovering my truth, and discarding anything keeping me from that truth and therefore the ability to communicate it effectively.
You see, if we do not communicate our feelings authentically, then we can’t possibly call forth an accurate response from God, The universe, or another person. Until we are crystal clear within ourselves, we are doomed to suffer the consequences of being lost in translation.
Having Inner Integrity means getting honest with yourself, moving beneath the images you have created for the world to see, and being able to take a deeper look at your feelings and then how you are showing up in the world, and seeing if they are a match.
Are they? No but Really?
This has been coming up for me AND for my clients. Telling the truth sounds like an easy thing to do right? Doesn’t a good person tell the truth?
Not necessarily.
Not unless they know what that is first, and then aren’t too afraid to speak it without all the fearful editing that happens to most of us. That’s right, our heads are like editing studios, on a mission to hold our pride and ego in tact.
In India, they spoke about how most of us are lying all the time, which includes telling a partial truth. We tell a partial truth, to hide the parts that are too inconvenient to explain at the time, the parts that may make us too vulnerable, or the parts that do not support the “image” we want others to have of us. In other words, mostly we lie to protect ourselves from discomfort and getting hurt.
Here is a quote from the notes I took on Inner Integrity from the Dasa’s teachings in India:
“There is a truth behind these images we create. We must SEE this truth in order to become FREE. When we become conscious and accepting of the truth, we become free. This is because once we have lovingly accepted the truth within us, we no longer have reasons to cover it up with defensiveness and lies.”
I want to confront this head on because I have personally experienced what it’s like to suffer the consequences of being too afraid to even be honest with myself about how I am really feeling inside about someone I love. When we are so afraid of getting rejected, being hurt, of going through the pain of another heart-break, of looking silly or crazy, or of being mis-understood, all those fears edit and produce what ends up coming out of us through our words, choices, actions, and responses. Therefore, we aren’t ever saying what we really mean, and in fact we often times PUSH AWAY the very thing, or someone, we are hoping to move closer to.
In order to communicate to the world and express our innermost truth, creativity, vulnerability, and strength, we must first KNOW this truth for ourselves. This has been the hardest part of getting honest for me. I have never had trouble going to someone with my feelings, but I DO struggle with going to them from a place of Inner Integrity, or so I have learned.
If I don’t go to the man I love, from a place of inner integrity, then I am not CLEAR about my inner truth. This means I cannot stay grounded in that truth and I will begin to get carried away with my fears of rejection and pain. As a result, I just end up communicating mixed signals and messages, in an attempt to open up AND protect myself at the same time (which is typically also laced with a little bit of blaming them for hurting me already) and instead of finding resolution, I perpetuate the confusion and conflict. Or I at least perpetuate it for myself.
We CANNOT be vulnerable AND stay in protection mode at the same time. These cancel each other out!
Being vulnerable doesn’t mean being weak. In fact it’s the only way we can stand in our power. Staying vulnerable makes a statement. It says, I love you, and I am strong enough to stand in MY experience AND hold the space for you to have YOUR experience. Vulnerablity is a result of standing up for the truth within you, regardless of the outcome. When we focus on an outcome, it’s harder to be vulnerable and honest because the mind begins to edit and create a variation of the truth that it hopes will minimise the pain because it’s already assuming the worst. Only it NEVER minimises the pain to come from fear. It actually creates more pain because the lack of honesty prevents you from the closure and resolution you can only get if you stand in your vulnerable truth.
I haven’t quite been able to stand in my vulnerable truth just yet with everything. I am still digging through my fears, and looking for the vulnerability. I know I am getting closer to it, but it is a profound process of getting more and more honest with myself every step of the way. This could mean even being willing to admit that maybe you DON’T want something you thought you wanted, and then looking at why you are holding onto it, and being willing to let it go. OR it could mean being willing to get down to the raw and beautiful truth, and committing yourself fully to that so you become willing to lay your heart on the line completely, even if it means you have to hear the word NO one more time.
When we have been FULLY honest, within and without, and still do not end up with our ideal response from the other end, at least we can finally walk away, we can finally let go, knowing we did everything in our power, knowing we got the learning from it, and knowing that next time we fall in love, we won’t for one second hide it or pretend we feel any differently then we really do. In the end it’s not about the outcome, it’s about the experience you have along the way as your connection to your inner truth deepens.
This is freedom.
I’d love to hear what you are going through and what you are thinking and feeling right now. Please leave all questions and comments here on the blog or email them to me at [email protected].
Thank you! I love you!
Erin 🙂
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