At 38 years of age, never been married, and no children of my own, I must say there has been much to contemplate in the last couple of years.
About 2 years ago, I was faced with an opportunity to look deeply at what I wanted for my life. I had to ask BIG questions like, “Do I really want children?” “Do I really want marriage?” “What do I REALLY want to create and have in my life?”
I wasn’t sure if I wanted those things because of societal conditioning and programming, or if those were truly MY desires. So I had to dig deep.
Growing up, I never really focused much on this stuff, because I just assumed these things would fall into place when the timing was right. It sure seems to for most.
But that hasn’t been my story. So far, my path has been quite different. And at 38, never been married, and no children of my own, I find myself in an interesting position that has been hard to understand, and equally hard to explain.
I’ve noticed that part of me that wants to “fit in.” But right now, the majority of women my age, are mothers and wives.
So again, this has caused me to look deeply at this need to fit in, and how that can take us into “the wrongness” of ourselves if we don’t feel like we do. It has also invited me to play around with my perspective and ask questions like “What’s right about this that I’m not getting?”
In my journaling practice this morning, I realized, in many ways, I have been WAITING. Waiting to grow up, get married, and have kids, before I really start to plan and live my life the way I would if I were no longer “waiting.”
So I called myself on it. I felt gratitude for the awareness. And then I began to ask questions like “If I am to live my life never getting married or having a family of my own, what would I choose to have in and as my life?”
And then I began to write and write and write. I wrote about the goals I wanted to set, the places I wanted to see, the new skills I wanted to acquire, the kinds of communities, relationships, and activities I want to cultivate, and I began to get a full-body feeling of that greater, fuller, richer expression of myself.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be a wife or a mom, but I’ll embrace and celebrate those opportunities, shall they bless my life. But if there are different plans for me, then I will embrace those too. Because happiness is not the destination, it IS the path. Love isn’t the destination. Love IS the path.
May we embrace the path we’re on. May we know deep in our hearts and souls, that all is well. <3
What goals do you want to set? What places do you want to see? What new skills do you want to acquire? What types of communities, relationships, and activities do you want to cultivate? And would you like some support with that? Book your FREE one-on0one discovery session now. https://calendly.com/erinlanahanmethod/60min