Call upon Kali. She is known as the dark Goddess of Revolution. She embodies Grace, and asks us to accept all of ourselves, the dark and the light. Kali will not tolerate ego and she will fearlessly destroy the maya, or illusion. She takes our darkness brings it into the light. To face our shame and darkness can be an intense process, but Kali’s energy and presence is powerful enough to help us move through this transformation. She is our strongest ally as we slay the demons and the dragons within.
This week’s Topic is Shame. I feel so passionate about the topic because, in my opinion, shame is an epidemic, and I’ll tell you what I mean.
But first, what is shame exactly?
Have you ever had a pimple or a cold sore on your face and found it difficult to look people in the eye?
Do you find yourself overcompensating and going out of your way to impress others or prove yourself, because deep down you don’t want them to find out “you are inadequate in some way?”
Maybe you have an idea or a desire, that you long to explore, but a voice in your head tells you not to bother because “you aren’t smart or savvy enough.”
Do you ever hide certain things about yourself because you don’t feel confident others will love you if they found out about them?
If you can relate to any of these questions, then you know what shame is.
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Shame is the absence of Self-Love and Acceptance, and when Self-Love and Acceptance are missing, we go to great lengths to fill this void, often hurting ourselves as a result.
Many of us walk through life, playing small and never quite coming all the way out of our shell, because our shame keeps us there.
We may experience shame about the way we look, about some illness or dis-ease we may have, or even about our finances. Shame can show up in our relationships, our career, our money, and our health.
Shame effects confidence and therefore it effects our relationships, our ability to make money, and the freedom to do what we love and live life authentically.
Whether it’s shame about finances, body shame in our relationships, shame about health conditions, it’s still SHAME. It is still some way in which we are STARVING for our own self-love and acceptance. Shame deprives us of the freedom we are capable of having in our creativity, our purpose, and our communication.
Some of the symptoms of Shame are:
– feeling disgust with oneself
– disengaging from life
– disengaging from sex
– hiding from the world
– obsessing over what’s wrong vs. acknowledging and CELEBRATING WHAT’S GOOD AND WORKING.
– comparing to others
– fear of rejection
– holding back/ not fully speaking one’s truth
– feeling less than and therefore the need to overcompensate for that in other ways
Shame shows up in different ways. It can wear many hats and it sneaks in when we feel vulnerable in some way.
Once again, here are a few places we may become aware of shame:
– When we get sick or develop a health condition
– When we are looking at our finances or sharing our financial state with another
– When we are in an intimate relationship and we must let someone SEE us up close
The misconception is this: “I feel shameful because I have a chronic illness, which makes me feel broken or not enough.” Or, “I feel shameful because my partner rejected me.” Or, “I feel shameful because I have not made the best finical choices.” Or, I feel shameful because I have more than everyone I know.”
So we fall victim to the belief that shame is an effect of something VS. the cause of it.
Health, Money, and Relationships are 3 of our greatest teachers. They challenge us to confront every part of ourselves that we do not deeply and completely love and accept.
Therefore shame will absolutely show up in such areas of our lives, because health, money, and relationships make us feel vulnerable, and shame thrives on vulnerability.
That said, vulnerability is a GOOD thing.
Without vulnerability we aren’t open to learning new things or exploring areas we have yet to go. Vulnerability lets us know we are in unchartered territory. When we are in the land of the unknown, where there is uncertainty, if we do not have self-love and acceptance, it will be much easier to let fear take over.
Say you are wanting to be sexy and spontaneous with your partner one night, and you have a clear vision of what you want to surprise him/her with. If you have self-love and acceptance, you will be free to explore this, without the dreaded fear of rejection. If self-love and acceptance are lacking, you will more than likely immediately go to the “What If’s,” such as “What if I embarrass myself, what if he/she hates it, what if he/she laughs at me, what if he/she rejects me?” And after all those uninspiring questions, you probably won’t follow through on your vision, leaving you frustrated and much to be desired!
This shows up similarly when we have a business idea or are confronted with a health challenge of some sort.
Unless we are REALLY AWARE of how our shame is holding us back, we may never look at it, because let’s face it, no one EVER wants to look at their shame.
Most of us would prefer to keep pushing it down, even if that makes us more sick, more separate, more afraid.
It always seems like it will be too painful, too uncomfortable, and too much to look at shame.
But, that isn’t true.
To SEE is to be FREE.
What issue, conditions, and challenges are showing up for you right now in your life?
Are you struggling with your weight? Do you have a chronic health condition? Are you feeling insecure in your relationship therefore holding back on your partner because you don’t feel like you are enough sexually, physically, and/or intellectually?
Are you contracting because someone didn’t LOVE your work and/or message and criticised you for being poor at what you do? Are you feeling unworthiness because you are not married yet or in a healthy, happy, committed relationship at this time in your life?
YES, all of the above is where we can feel shame. But our shame is also triggered by “the little things.”
– having a big pimple right on your face
– having a cold sore
– having a partner that doesn’t dress the way you want him/her to
– driving a “less than ideal” car, owning a “less than ideal” wardrobe
– having everything we’ve ever dreamed of and more, when our loved ones have far less.
ALL of these things make us hold back, play small, and dim our light from the world.
They keep us stuck in the vicious cycle of “when this pimple goes away, when I am no longer sick, when my partner changes, when I have enough money, when I own a new car, when I am safe to exist without judgment, when I can blend in an be like everyone else, THEN I will be able to deeply and completely love and accept myself.”
Only THAT never happens.
Because it doesn’t work like that.
Once the pimple goes away, it will be something else triggering the shame, and keeping us small.
Once the money comes, an issue will show up somewhere else, and once we get things the way we want them, there will still be something holding us back from being fully visible, fully owning our power, and feeling the kind of love, intimacy, acceptance, and support that we long for.
Until the shame is healed.
When self-love and acceptance are present within us, shame looses it’s power.
Once there is self-love above all else, love will prevail in every area of our lives.
The feeling of lacking or missing something will dissolve, the void will be filled, we will no longer have to waste energy on hiding or proving ourselves, and we will come to know a new freedom, and a new peace.
So How do we heal our shame Erin?
Last Week I talked about FEELING the Inner Body. I shared a 3 step process on how we go to the root of what we are feeling.
This is my number one suggestion on how to heal shame and I will refer to it again below.
Here is a 3 step Process for Strengthening Your Shame Resilience:
1) Notice when something is triggering your shame. Close your eyes and feel it in your inner body. Just notice where the disempowered experience is happening inside your body. Is it in your chest? Your belly? Your throat? Just see and feel it. That’s it.
2) Accept it, and move on. You don’t have to give shame any of your power or energy. Step 1 brings your awareness to it. Now you can see it without identifying with it or buying into it. Stop it in it’s tracks. Don’t give it power to make up stories about you and DO NOT let it use you to have a voice. Just see it, and move on. Keep walking towards your desire. Embrace the unknown and let yourself have a new experience.
***Fun Fact- By presencing yourself to the shame in your inner body, and by choosing to see it and keep going anyway, you ARE in fact participating in an act of self-love. Go YOU!
3) Ask better questions.
Here are some questions you can ask in order to heal Shame. You can pick one or use as many as you like until you feel a shift. The answers are not important. Just allow yourself to FEEL into the question and notice what bubbles up inside of you as a result:
– What would it be like if I fell in LOVE with this part of me, this part of my journey and REALLY owned this as a part of my path to self-love and genuine peace and freedom within?
-What if this IS the way to Joy?
– What’s Right about me? What do I LOVE about my body?
– What am I grateful for in my life?
– How can this bring my partner and me closer?
– What would it take for me to let go of this heaviness and judgment and have compassion and patience with myself?
– What would it be like to TRUST in the process, and to respect ALL of me and all that I have created?
– What would it take to BELIEVE in me right here and now?
Ok, that’s A LOT for today, so I gotta wrap it up here! I will leave you with this:
What if shame never had to shut you down, hold you back, make you feel and play small, or deplete your energy EVER AGAIN? I’d love to hear from you and get your contribution to this conversation!
If you liked this, please share it with a friend! See you next week!
Thank you ALL!
Calling all Spiritual Warriors who are ready to go deeper in the process of healing and transformation, and who feel ready for one-on-one coaching. Coaching is designed to help you embody your creativity, to own your power, so you can stop hiding and instead get out into the world in an even bigger way. I am committed to helping my clients discover their true purpose in the world, and to fully step into that, playfully, unapologetically, and purposefully! If this is you, let’s talk! Please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org to set up a free call. Namaste.